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Appreciating Husbands
"Wives, you know
your husband works hard for you. He gets up early, goes to a job he
doesn’t always like, works under difficult circumstances in order to get
money to provide for you. He deserves your respect. He is entitled to
your compliments and encouragement. Now, what do you think?"
I sometimes talk to married couples that are having troubles. I
have made a statement similar to the opening paragraph to begin the
discussion. After I praise the husband I await the wife’s response. The
reaction of the wife gives a clue as to why the couple is having
difficulties.
"I work hard too" is the most frequent response I
anticipate. This reaction indicates that the wife feels that she is
being neglected, and maybe she is. The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31
was praised by her husband and her children. I have often asked if
the woman was praised because she was virtuous, or was she virtuous
because she was praised. This woman may have continued in her goodness
because it was appreciated by those she valued. Many wives are not
appreciated for what they do, but this response may indicate something
else also.
This reaction may also indicate that the woman is self centered.
She expects the husband to provide for her whether she appreciates him
or not. She married him so he could make her happy and serve her wants.
Perhaps she does little or nothing in the home. Her claim to working
hard is merely a knee jerk reaction to justify herself. The woman
married with many dreams that have not been fulfilled. She now feels she
is a martyr. Any instructions given to her to improve the marriage will
be met with resistance.
"He doesn’t work that hard" runs a close second in
the responses I expect. This may indicate a low appraisal of the
husband. The wife may not be self centered, but her husband is viewed as
a loser. He does not work that hard. His job is easy. It has to be. He
does not have the ability to do anything hard. She may see him as lazy,
stupid, or simply incompetent. I Peter 3:1-6 tells us that a
woman is to have respect for her husband and to be in submission to him.
This response almost always shows that the woman does not prize her
husband and his abilities to lead.
The husband may be deserving of such an appraisal. Some men will
not hold down a job. They are forever in and out of work. The wife needs
an income to survive. Other men have been sheepishly following their
wives commands. They never make decisions or contradict their wife's
orders. It is odd how a weak man will be desired by a selfish woman
before marriage, and resented by her after a few years together. All
woman want someone they can respect. All men need to be loving leaders
in the home (Eph. 5:22-33).
"I never considered his sacrifice before" is a very
desirable response. It indicates that the wife is starting to think
about her husband’s contribution to the marriage. Such thoughts tend to
rekindle the love that has grown cold.
The problem may be simply one of communication. She did not know
what he did for her. Maybe he did not talk after work. Perhaps their
schedules limited the amount of time they had to exchange thoughts.
Although this seems like an easy problem to fix compared to the others
discussed, I have found very few couples who would make the needed
repairs. The husband remains a clam. The wife won’t sacrifice anything
on her schedule. The couple won’t seek activities that they can share in
together. The lack of communication increases and the wife’s response
soon becomes one of those above.
"I know he works hard. I appreciate it, and I tell him so"
is the rarest response. Such statements (if true) would be a part
of the make up of the couple who did not have any problems. (Remember,
the couples I am talking about are those who are having difficulties in
the home.) Of course if I did get this response from the wife, and
her husband agreed that it was accurate, then the problem is likely the
husband’s.
Some men work very hard at the job and feel they have completed
their assignment by doing so. They think the wife is supposed to raise
the kids, teach the spiritual lessons, manage all the affairs within the
home, and keep the romance alive. They feel providing the home with
money is all that they are responsible for. They are wrong and need to
get involved in the home.
Most problems a couple faces can be traced to her failure to
submit, or his failure to love (Col. 3:16-19). The success of the
home depends on both partners respecting God’s instructions. Respect,
time, love, forgiveness, communication, and appreciation are all crucial
parts of a successful marriage. Are you working on yours?
--Ron Roberts
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